Hamish and Kate Page 4

  ‘I’m going home,’ Clare said. ‘Just for Christmas.’

  She was tense with uncertainty. Anxiety overwhelmed Euan. He desperately wanted to fuck her, for reassurance, not desire.

  ‘Oh,’ he said quietly.

  Without using words, suspicions, disappointments and unreasonableness can be confirmed as if spoken of at length. That single syllable told of Euan’s unwillingness to let Clare go, how he would be miserable in her absence and how she would be breaking a commitment to spend Christmas together. Euan’s panic was that something would be broken if she left. He wanted things back how they were before her announcement, even though he had been vaguely dissatisfied.

  Many of Euan’s significant and brutal relationship endings involved airports. For some he was the participant in the farewells, for others he was on his own and distraught, and others he was absent but watched the time tick over until departure.

  A week before Christmas Euan drove Clare to the airport. On the way they spoke no words of consequence. There was nothing to say. Clare was looking forward to seeing her family but Euan had to return to the bed he occasionally shared with Clare.

  ‘Well, this is a cliché,’ Clare said as they stood facing each other in the departure hall. ‘If it wasn’t real I wouldn’t believe it.’

  ‘Is this where one of us starts crying?’ Euan said as he leant forward and rested his head on her shoulder, only half in jest.

  ‘We can cry, if that’s what you want,’ she said seriously. She held Euan’s shoulders to straighten him. ‘I will miss you. Now that I’m here I don’t really feel like going. It will be freezing at home but,’ she sighed as if gaining strength, ‘it’s only for a few weeks. We’ll survive.’

  ‘What if I need tucking in at night?’

  ‘Make sure you do it yourself, that’s all,’ she said and laughed. She held both of his hands in hers.

  Euan watched her walk through to the customs hall and did not cry although he could easily have done so. Their separation was one of many at the airport that day but Euan’s sadness for Clare’s loss was real, the other departures were stories.

  She gave him a quick, last smile and Euan’s life was forever changed.

  Chapter 11

  ‘You could come as my date,’ Kate laughed. She was telling Euan about her planned New Year’s Eve party, at the house she shared with Clare. Hamish was also absent, on a geology field trip. Euan agreed to go to Kate’s party although he did not want to, he had been happy enough in his private distress over the absent Clare.

  Kate was a beautiful woman and although she had one blemish, it added to her beauty. Her mousey-brown, shoulder length hair was, often, almost unkempt. It usually needed a few more strokes with a hairbrush but it’s unruliness made her appearance arousing, that of a beautiful woman just out of bed.

  Kate shared an old timber villa with Clare. It was comfortable and affordable with large rooms and high ceilings. It needed paint both inside and outside. There was no backyard garden apart from some fearsome, untamed kikuyu grass and a cracked concrete path to an old steel rotary clothes line, placed exactly in the middle of the yard. The clothes line was rusted and stuck at a height that would poke an eye of anyone of average height. It was a dangerous backyard at night.

  At Kate’s party, Michael discovered Euan standing outside Clare’s bedroom. He had opened the door and was looking in. His hand was fixed to the doorknob. The sun had nearly set and her room was lit as if by an outside beacon. Euan was thinking about entering the room and shutting the door behind him.

  ‘Women’s bedroom’s are your speciality?’ Michael’s voice whispered next to Euan’s shoulder.

  ‘No,’ Euan said without surprise. ‘Just looking. Remembering.’ He was not embarrassed to be there, looking in at someone’s private room. He, in a way, had shared ownership. Michael had interrupted Euan remembering the hours spent inside that room with Clare. He remembered the irregularities of the ceiling as he stared in the early morning light while lying next to Clare while she slept, or at night how the weak bedside lamp lost the far corners in darkness. Euan remembered Clare pulling back the covers to come to bed, sometimes to only sleep.

  Euan told Michael of some of his memories and of his sadness.

  Kate came and stood between Michael and Euan. ‘I knew you two would be friends,’ she said.

  ‘He’s been telling me about Clare,’ Michael said to Kate. ‘How many years has she been absent?’

  ‘About two weeks,’ Kate laughed.

  ‘And how long until she’s back?’ Michael smirked.

  Kate put an arm around Euan’s waist and drew him to her side. ‘He’s on the home stretch. Less than two weeks to go. Do you think this poor Kiwi will survive, Michael?’ she asked.

  ‘Probably not,’ Michael replied. ‘Given how he’s fared so far.’

  Kate shut Clare’s bedroom door. ‘I said you could come as my date. You’re not doing a very good job so far,’ she said to Euan. She led him away, having returned her arm to around his waist. ‘You can have him back later,’ she called to Michael.

  Kate led Euan to a room packed with partygoers, as far from Clare’s room as possible.

  ‘I hope you weren’t intending to lock yourself away in Clare’s room?’ she said.

  ‘Possibly,’ Euan said. ‘Did you send Michael?’

  ‘I didn’t like the way you were on your own and drifting in that direction.’

  ‘You were watching out for me?’

  ‘Always,’ she said.

  Kate and Euan were jostled as guests tried to move between them and around them.

  ‘It’s not the end of everything,’ she said. ‘Not yet anyway.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Well,’ she said. ‘It’s a practice run, isn’t it? Whatever happens she will be leaving again. Possibly later next year or, nearly,’ she looked at her watch, ‘this year. She’ll have to go. We both have to leave New Zealand, eventually.’

  ‘She has mentioned I could come to the States.’

  ‘Oh,’ Kate said.

  ‘I don’t know what that means. What do you think it means?’

  ‘I don’t know Euan. Maybe she loves you, or thinks she loves you.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Well, they’re both the same aren’t they? Until she’s tested. Thinking you’re in love is an easy thing to lose, the other isn’t.’

  ‘Being really in love you mean?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you in love with Hamish then, or do you just think you’re in love with Hamish?’

  Kate laughed. ‘I don’t know yet, do I? So, I think I’m in love with Hamish. That’s the safest way, Euan. You’ll find things much easier to cope with if you think like that.’

  They were interrupted by Liam trying to push between them. He was concentrating on not spilling two drinks he was holding and had not recognised Kate and Euan. Euan said hello when Liam’s face was inches from his.

  ‘Oh, hello. I didn’t see you,’ Liam said. He held up the drinks he was carrying. ‘I’m a drinks waiter now, that’s what you end up as if you stay with someone long enough.’ He laughed and then recognised Kate.

  ‘Oh, Hi Kate. Great party,’ Liam said. ‘Are you two consoling each other for absences?’

  Kate put her arm around Euan and, again, drew him to her side. ‘Of course,’ she laughed.

  Euan was embarrassed but Liam laughed with Kate.

  ‘Anyway,’ he lifted his drinks again. ‘Someone’s waiting.’

  The party ended and a few hours after midnight the house was empty. Euan stayed, he did not want to go home, he did not want to be alone, he wanted to stay in the house where Clare lived. If it had not been a strange request, he would have liked to have slept in Clare’s bed. He began to clean up, to delay the inevitable departure.

  ‘You don’t have to do that,’ Kate said as she yawned. ‘I’ll do it in the morning.’

  Euan picked up a few empty drink cans and put th
em down, together, in a different location. It was useless tidying but it kept him there. Kate watched him as he shuffled items about the room.

  ‘If you stop doing that,’ she said, ‘I’ll make you a cup of coffee.’

  Euan agreed.

  They sat in the kitchen, facing each other across the metal-framed laminex table, with a cup each in their hands, mostly not talking. Euan didn’t want to leave and Kate did not ask him to.

  Euan woke early in the morning and stared at the ceiling. He was confused by the irregularities and cracks in the plaster and paint work. He stared, with a befuddled mind, and tried to make sense of the patterns. He dozed off and woke again when the light was stronger. This time he stayed awake. He rolled over and stared at Kate’s uncovered body like it was a work of art he would never see again.

  ‘Hello,’ Kate said. She smiled, she had been awake as he watched her.

  ‘Hello.’ Euan returned her smile.

  Euan didn’t try to touch Kate as she got out of bed. He watched her as she dressed and then stayed to help her complete the cleanup. She offered him a cup of coffee when they had finished and, again, they sat around the kitchen table mostly not talking. The second silence between them was different. The first silence had been two people glad to have company, while the second silence was between two embarrassed people who should have been talking.

  Euan walked home and thought of Clare and consequences. He was appalled that he had not once thought of her after Kate talked of love. When Clare had left for the USA, he had imagined worse-case scenarios based on Clare’s actions, none on his. He had never thought that he would bring a doom upon himself. He tried to decide what to do. He could purge his guilt, possibly but unlikely, by confessing to Clare but that would not forgive what he had done. She would leave him and, as a consequence, Hamish and Kate would be harmed. He decided that he would have to live with hiding his dishonesty from Clare. He would have to live with confused memories of Clare’s and Kate’s house and the two bedrooms. He would have to hide his embarrassment when he was with both women. He would have to be careful around Hamish.

  His regret was personal and selfish.

  Chapter 12

  A line of hills delineated the western boundary of the city and suburbs. They were covered in temperate rain-forest and were always green. Nearly two weeks after Kate’s party, Euan drove west for half an hour on a twisting, mountain road. He came to a small turn-in on the side of the road that was not a real parking space, but it allowed room for a car or two to pull over and park safely. There was a small sign with a government warning exhorting respect for the flora and another small sign that simply said, “Knoll”, with an accompanying arrow. They were the only markers of a hidden entrance into the forest.

  Euan brushed passed the signs and into the rain-forest. It was silent under the canopy as if a curtain had been closed behind him. There was a narrow, winding, uphill track, overhung with tree ferns, that avoided the flora of importance. In places, the path was raised by a wooden walkway to keep visitors from damaging the tree roots and smaller plants. Towards the summit the path dissipated and Euan had to pick his way over a mass of tree roots from a stand of mature Kauri. There was no undergrowth. When Euan crested the hill, a view over the suburbs and the distant city was revealed. The horizon was a sparkle of water in a vast harbour, while a few small, dormant volcanoes popped their heads up among the thousands of houses like they were neighbourhood intruders. Euan looked around to confirm he was on his own before he relaxed and enjoyed the view. There were a million people living at his feet and he was alone and unknown.

  Euan drove out to the airport to pick up Clare on her return. She walked towards him pushing a trolley of bags and duty free shopping. She was distracted and annoyed.

  ‘Hi. I’m tired,’ she said quickly and angrily, before Euan had greeted her. She brushed off his attempt to hug her. She was not that tired, she was not telling the truth. For a moment, Euan thought that she knew he had fucked Kate. He accepted her bad mood. He remained silent.

  He drove her home and she answered his queries like he was a taxi driver who had asked too personal questions. She described people, activities and scenery. She did not speak of feelings. He did not press her for an explanation, for the moment he was glad that the scenarios he had manufactured that would have prevented her returning to New Zealand had not come true.

  They arrived at the house she shared with Kate, and Euan unloaded her bags. He hesitated, wondering if he should stay. Clare perfunctorily dismissed him and said that she would call him the next day. He did not sleep well that night as he rehearsed losing Clare forever.

  The importance of lies are learned at an early age. Childhood games are based on lying, objects are hidden and the searcher is misled. Social life is based on lying. Unwanted gifts are accepted, boring people are encouraged. People would be solitary and friendless if true thoughts were not often hidden. Each lie is different but there is a divide, that is intrinsically known, that delineates deceit.

  Clare began her telephone conversation with Euan by being deceitful. She was not good at it. She angrily gave up and bluntly confessed that she did not want to see him again. Euan agreed with her, which surprised Clare, but before Euan said anything about Kate, Clare hurried with her own confession. She was defensive and aggressive as people are when they know they are wrong and are confronted by their error.

  She had met someone on her way back to New Zealand, when she had stopped over in Hawaii for a few days. She had spent less than forty-eight hours with him but was adamant that she was in love. What she had felt for Euan, she understood, had not been love.

  Euan hung up the telephone. The silence and familiarity of his small home were stifling. He needed comforting but the only person would could do that was the person causing his distress. He watched small tremors pass through his hand in waves. His one small consolation was that his own infidelity with Kate had been abolished and the failed relationship was Clare’s responsibility.

  Chapter 13

  Euan had gone from being bored with Clare, before she announced she was to leave, to anxious while she was away, to frantic upon her return. He had been rejected and rejection was a judgement. He had been found wanting. Rejection had not figured in his scenarios that stopped Clare’s return to New Zealand, he imagined her absence would be caused by injury or death. In his day-dreams he had been stoic through grief, suffering and sadness. He had not been vague, child-like, lost and weak. All his dreams after Clare’s return and his dismissal were of inadequacy and worthlessness.

  He began by being angry with himself for not being indispensable, he should have stored an excess of pleasurable memories to tied her over while she was away. Then he became angry with Clare as if she was intentionally and maliciously causing his pain. At those times he thought how his life would have been better if he had not met her or she had not returned to New Zealand. Perhaps, he thought in his darkest moments, a plane crash on her return would have been his best option.

  However, he came to realise that what he really wanted was to have her back but he had no idea how to achieve that. As weeks passed, the intensity of rejection reduced and he had longer periods of clarity. He wondered if the pain of remembering could be reduced to zero if he waited long enough but, instead of trying to forget Clare, he set his mind to formulate a plan to fix their severed relationship.

  His first problem was that Clare’s memory of her new boyfriend would remain perfect. She would not see him again until she returned home permanently, perhaps nearly a year away, preserving her memory of the exciting few days with him. Euan was human and could not compete with memory. He decided to also become a memory. If he was absent then her memories of their pleasurable times together could become paramount. Euan did not believe Clare’s protestations that she had never been in love with him. Then, he thought, if enough time passed he could re-introduce his physical self. He was hoping that she was emotionally stronger than he was, and that she would m
ove on from her absent boyfriend and the moving on would be back to Euan. He devised a way to accelerate his plan. If Clare believed Euan was forgetting her, and he was not upset that their relationship was over, then she might doubt the perfect memory of her new boyfriend. Euan thought she would applaud his mature handling of a messy situation. But she would would worry that he had been dissatisfied with her. Which had some small component of truth. His plan required strict self-control. He must have no recriminations and show no romantic interest. He hoped that what Clare had purposively discarded, but was happy with its freedom, is what she would want back the most.

  Euan admitted that it was a complex plan that any incorrect action on his part could ruin but he could think of no better. His immediate problem was that he needed Clare to know that he was not missing her. He did not know how to do that.

  As the weeks passed Euan tried to distract his attention from remembering Clare. He engaged in many atypical, for him, activities. He shocked relatives by visiting them, having not seen them since he had been a teenager and in the company of his parents. He visited gardens and places of historical interest. He hiked to the tops of the little volcanos in the suburbs and was surprised by the existence of craters he had not imagined remained. He had lived his life in the city but had never before been to the summit of any of the volcanic mounds.

  He spent one afternoon at an art gallery, in a desperate attempt to not remember Clare. The paintings on display were of summer coastal scenes from the late nineteenth century. He came upon two images, side by side, and was stuck fast before them. The two images were as personal photographs. One was of a lone woman, dressed in white, picking her way along a deserted beach.