Hamish and Kate Read online

  The older man stared. ‘No. I don’t think so.’

  ‘I won’t be any problem.’

  ‘You already are a problem aren’t you?’

  Euan hung his head a little, then let a faint smile appear. ‘I meant in the snow-plow. Not with Kate.’

  Kate’s father grunted. He was about to refuse again and brush passed Euan.

  ‘I’ve loved Kate for years,’ Euan said. ‘This isn’t something temporary. I’m not going away. And she loves me. And also has done for years.’

  ‘Then why did she marry Hamish?’ Kate’s father asked brusquely.

  ‘Good question. I haven’t the faintest idea.’

  The two men stared at each other, like statues testing each other’s endurance.

  ‘All right then,’ Kate’s father relented. ‘Just don’t get in my way.’

  As they walked out to the car, Kate’s father said, ‘Kate’s mother told me you don’t get snow like this in New Zealand. Really?’

  ‘No, we don’t. Really.’

  ‘Well, it may be nice to have company again. The last time I had someone with me was when Kate was a child.’

  Euan smiled and was thrilled to be following in the footsteps of the ten year old Kate. Another shared experience, he thought.

  They drove around in the snow-plow for a few hours. Euan was mostly silent, as was Kate’s father, but their silence, and being comfortable with it, drew them together. Although, the older man was not ready to befriend Euan.

  ‘So, you really wrote that music on TV last night?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Must have made you a fair bit of money.’

  ‘A bit. Less than you might think, but enough to dwarf the salary of a research scientist.’ Euan smiled.

  ‘Were you any good as a musician?’ Kate’s father asked, as if he was doubtful.

  Euan laughed. ‘Probably not. But I also had this guitar duo thing. We played the Bach Lute Suites. That was good.’

  ‘Hmm, yeah,’ Kate’s father agreed, almost reluctantly. ‘Bach’s good.’

  ‘Did you know Hamish?’ Kate’s father asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ Euan said. ‘He was my friend. We were good friends.’

  ‘Strange way to treat a friend.’

  Euan was silent for a long moment.

  ‘I’d pay any price for Kate. Even losing a good friend,’ Euan said. ‘Did she tell you we lived together in New Zealand?’

  ‘No. She never told me that. But, then, it’s not something you tell your father.’

  ‘All I can tell you, Mr Fitzpatrick,’ Euan said. ‘Is that I love her. I can’t justify myself anymore than that.’

  Kate’s father did not reply but Euan thought he had helped the older man understand.

  Chapter 16

  Euan missed his lunchtime runs with Hamish. In the short term, while Hamish was still in Woods Hole, he dared not run during the week worried about an accidental meeting, not from fear of retaliation, but from embarrassment.

  Euan began running again only when he and Kate moved to Pocasset and then only on weekends. Near the Landing was the beginning of a country road that wound and rolled as it followed the coast but was not always in sight of the ocean.

  That road had no long straight sections which made his runs an adventure in discovery as he ran further each time. He ran an out and back course and never ran far enough to get to the end. He, intentionally, never drove along the coast road. It would have been a type of cheating to know where it eventually terminated without running to the end, like knowing his future would be a disappointment before living it.

  He preferred running on the late afternoons on days when the temperature had risen above freezing and the road surface was clear of snow, although the road’s surroundings remained white. On those days he would run free from concern about his footfall and, with a smile of his face, he would scan the woods and ocean beside the road like a tourist pleased with his choice.

  One Saturday evening, after Euan had completed his run and they were preparing to go out, he idly played with a Polaroid camera in their bedroom. Kate was bathing in the adjacent bathroom.

  Euan crept quietly to the open bathroom door, then lay down and wriggled forward until he could just see Kate in the bath. She did not see him. Kate had a pet tabby cat she had brought with her. The cat sat next to the bath, its tail wrapped around its paws, its eyes party closed mimicking contentment. Kate leant over the rim of the bathtub and at that moment her cat inclined its head to her, as if it expected the kiss Kate was offering. Euan captured the image as they touched and Kate became aware of him.

  When Kate came out of the bathroom, Euan was sitting on their bed with the photograph in his hand. He had sat like that, unmoving, ever since the image had slowly materialized into existence. He had watched the image form as if he was creating a new Kate. He lifted the photograph to compare the real with the likeness.

  The moment in his hand was perfect. One of the simplest moments from a life that describe it completely. The woman he loved, loved him. He was already nostalgic for its passing, wishing he could be frozen forever, somehow, as a permanent part of that moment.

  He imagined that nothing else in his life would surpass it. He was right.

  Chapter 17

  On a weekday evening, after the weekend of the Polaroid picture, Euan was playing his classical guitar. Kate came up the stairs. She did not want to interrupt as she knew he would stop as soon as she entered their bedroom.

  She waited, out of sight, outside the door and listened as he played the Sarabande from the A minor Suite. The music was beautiful and his playing perfect, as if he was putting an extra part of himself into the performance. She felt sad although it was not the music itself, she realized, with a shock. Euan was adding his own melancholy through his fingers.

  She waited until he had finished and then quietly entered. Euan had not heard her. She saw a tear in his eyes.

  She felt like crying herself.

  ‘Now that you have me,’ Kate said as Euan, with embarrassment, tried to pull himself together and attempt a smile while he wiped his eyes. ‘It’s not the same is it?’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Euan said. ‘It’s not true. It’s different, it’s better.’

  ‘No-one can be everything,’ Kate said.

  ‘I know that,’ he said and laughed a little. ‘That’s too obvious. There are other things in our lives. Both our lives.’ He stared at her for a long time. She refused to speak. He was anxious that he might agree with her.

  ‘I can’t see your point,’ he said diffidently and a little confused, after a long wait.

  ‘Well, Kiwi, my point is,’ Kate was direct, matter-of-fact. ‘If there are two really big things in a life. Mutually exclusive things. Something loses out.’

  ‘Stop it,’ Euan said quickly. ‘I’ll choose you. Every single time. There is no choice.’

  ‘If I was a thing, then it would be easy. But, I’m not. I have to live with your regret when you choose me.’

  ‘That’s a bit selfish isn’t it? There’s always regret. I’ll always have regret. Either way,’ he said. ‘Anyway,’ he quickly added. ‘What about Hamish?’

  ‘I can live with my own, but I don’t know that I can live with yours. To be the sole cause of yours,’ Kate said. She refused to be distracted by discussing Hamish.

  Kate was worried that she might convince him. She was not sure if that had been her intention. It was a problem with discussions like these, she thought, you never know where they will take you.

  ‘Kiwi!’ she said. ‘It’s not all one sided. I would miss you. I did miss you.’

  ‘Not enough to not marry Hamish ‘though,’ Euan said. He could not resist.

  ‘That was different. I didn’t expect to see you again.’

  ‘Look,’ Euan was exasperated. ‘Then. Now. Who cares? You have a failed marriage. I have a failed band.’

  Kate was about to get angry at the comparison.

  ‘I’m sorry, I kno
w it’s not the same,’ Euan apologised then laughed. He attempted levity. ‘Let’s go out and drown the regrets, that’s what all good musicians would do. Wouldn’t they?’

  ‘You’re the only musician,’ Kate said seriously.

  Euan thought he was losing her. He did not know how or why it had happened. They had not argued and, somehow, he felt like they were breaking up.

  ‘What are you saying then?’ Euan asked. He didn’t know what she had intended or expected when she interrupted his music playing.

  ‘I’m not saying anything.’

  ‘Could have fooled me.’

  ‘Not anything specific. I just worry about you.’

  Euan walked over to her. ‘Well, worry about me in forty years time. When we’re old together. Until then, well, we’ve both made choices. I’ll live with you, with Hamish in the background, and you live with me, with Michael in the background.’

  ‘And Helen?’ Kate asked.

  ‘No, not Helen. Definitely not Helen.’ He took her hands and pulled her to him.

  Kate let their argument lapse, Euan had given her an idea.

  Chapter 18

  The weather warmed. The snow melted. Life out of doors in New England became livable for a New Zealander.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Euan asked when they were in Kate’s car and on the freeway to Boston.

  ‘Out.’

  Euan laughed. ‘I know that. Are you abducting me?’

  ‘Yes,’ she smiled. ‘We’re just going out. I thought it would be nice to go to Boston. We haven’t been to the city for awhile. Just for a change. I want to hear some new live music. We never hear anything new on the Cape.’

  ‘OK,’ Euan said. ‘I’m up for it. What sort of stuff?’

  ‘New.’

  Euan laughed.

  They went to a small venue, basically a large bar, with a capacity of a hundred patrons or so. The perfect venue for new, experimental music, Euan thought. He was reassured when he saw a minimal stage setup. He and Kate sat at a small table while they waited.

  The place filled and in less than an hour they could not both leave their table without losing it to others.

  Euan was grossly unprepared for the entrance of the two musicians. Kate studied his reaction. He glanced at her, not having made up his mind if he was angry with her or not.

  The musicians were Michael and Jon.

  The small crowd were well informed fans, they made a lot of noise for a hundred people as Michael picked up a guitar and Jon sat behind a keyboard. Michael played a short, distorted guitar lick, one he played often in his solos and the crowd roared. Michael smiled like he was trying hard not to show that he was enjoying himself. He bowed to the crowd and then at Jon, who played a short nursery rhyme theme and laughed, as if that was the extent of his keyboard talents. Euan knew that it was.

  They played one long song and then Michael began playing Clare’s song, on his electric guitar. It was loud and distorted, Euan loved Michael’s alteration. The audience yelled and called loudly, but Michael stopped as if the audience reaction was inappropriate.

  ‘Did you know?’ Michael said over the top of the audience noise encouraging him to continue playing. He sounded like a school teacher embarking on an interesting, to him only, subject. ‘That none of us wrote that song?’

  The audience made a loud noise that could have meant anything.

  ‘At least, not Jon or me. But, somewhere out there,’ Michael shaded his eyes against the stage lights, ‘is the guy who did.’

  Euan spun his head to Kate, he understood what she had done. The intended consequence of that evening could only be one thing. He wondered why she had done that.

  ‘Euan?’ Michael called into the darkness behind the stage lights, ‘I know you’re there, mate. Come up here.’

  The audience again made a loud sound, enjoying Michael’s search for Euan as part of the show.

  Euan did nothing. He glared at Kate.

  Michael spoke to someone at the front of the audience, who wrestled their way back to the mixing desk. The stage lights dropped and the house lights brightened. The audience roared their disappointment, thinking the show might be over.

  Michael began a chant that the audience readily took up. ‘Eu-an. Eu-an,’ was repeatedly called as if a magic trick was required for another musician to appear and the music to continue.

  Kate raised her arm and waved at Michael. He waved back and then spoke quietly into the microphone, ‘Please, Euan.’

  Euan stood up. His face grimly set, without a trace of humour, as if leaving his seat was an irrevocable act. The crowd roared at him. Kate smiled. Euan turned to face the stage as he was propelled by a push in the back by a member of the audience anxious for the music to continue. Euan was enveloped as he moved forward and Kate lost sight of him although his progress was evident by the crowd’s shuffling movement. His arm emerged as Michael leant over to pull him onto the stage. Many hands pushed him from behind and when he finally stood on the stage the crowd again roared.

  Euan did not know what to do. He smiled at Jon and then at Michael. The house lights dropped and the stage lights returned. Euan lifted both his hands in a wave to the crowd as Michael took that as a signal to, again, begin Clare’s song. This time he and Jon did not stop.

  Euan remained on stage for a short time only. Jon had put his arm over Euan’s shoulder as he sang. Euan waited self-consciously, not involved in the music making. Before the end of the song he ambled off the stage.

  After the show Kate announced that she had arranged for the two musicians to spend the following day in Pocasset. Kate and Euan walked to retrieve her car, to take the four of them home.

  ‘Why would you embarrass me like that?’ Euan said angrily although he sounded angrier than he was. That was often a problem, he thought, people exaggerate and then have to defended their overreaction.

  ‘You have to know, Euan,’ Kate said, surprised at the strength of his displeasure.

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘How much you want to do music again.’

  ‘Well, I already fucking knew that Kate,’ he said. ‘I always wanted to do music again.’

  Kate wrapped her arms tightly around her body as they walked side by side. It was cool at that time of year in the early hours of the morning.

  ‘And,’ Euan said. ‘This has not made it any easier. Thank you very much.’

  They were silent for awhile. Kate wondered how she could begin a more logical discussion of his choices.

  ‘Fuck Kate!’ Euan exclaimed. ‘I love you. More than music. I was coping with that OK, I thought. You just make it all harder again. It’s like, you know,’ Euan tried to think of an analogy. ‘I don’t know,’ he was about to give up then thought of something, ‘like you’re poking me in the arm with a stick saying, “does this hurt?”, “does this hurt?”. Of course, it fucking hurts.’

  ‘Well, maybe you should do something about it then.’

  ‘I was,’ he said. ‘I was doing nothing.’

  He laughed. Kate glanced sideways at him. She smiled and then laughed as well. Only people really in love, she understood, could laugh during an argument.

  ‘And,’ Euan said as he stopped laughing. ‘I was doing nothing really well I thought.’

  Chapter 19

  Euan took the following day off work and in the afternoon he drove Michael and Jon around Cape Cod.

  ‘This is all very nice, Euan,’ Michael said as they stood on the ferry dock at Woods Hole. Euan had just pointed out the building where he worked. ‘For a 9 to 5 schmuck.’

  Euan held his tongue.

  ‘It’s just a place, mate,’ Michael said. ‘There are lots of nice places.’

  ‘I like it here,’ Euan protested.

  ‘Do you? Really?’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Euan said, he had been embarrassed showing Michael and Jon the tourist sites, understanding how lame it was. He liked those places because he had enjoyed them with Kate. She made them special.
r />   ‘So you’re choosing OK, over music, are you?’ Michael said.

  ‘No.’ Euan said like a child fairly caught out but protesting his innocence.

  ‘The place is irrelevant. You now that. It’s just Kate. You’ve got her now. Again,’ Michael said. ‘Bring her with you. Why don’t you both come back to London? The other guys have got relationships going. It’s not a problem.’

  ‘What about Helen?’ Euan asked.

  ‘Yeah, well, that is an issue. She was pretty upset. Still is, I guess.’

  ‘That would be embarrassing,’ Euan said. ‘I wouldn’t want to cause her to lose her job.’

  ‘Why would she lose her job?’ Michael asked. ‘You’d just have to work something out. You know, an adult-type relationship.’

  Euan was silent as he stared out to sea.

  ‘Look mate,’ Michael said. ‘You should be getting better at this woman stuff by now. While I’ve known you, you’ve fucked and re-fucked heaps of women.’ He turned to Jon. ‘Have you kept count of Euan’s women?’

  ‘It’s three, I think,’ Jon smiled.

  ‘Yeah, three distinct women. But not three relationships, I’ve lost count of those,’ Michael said. Euan knew Michael was joking but he gave no outward indication. ‘It’s easy, Euan. There’s no choice. Bring Kate and lets get on with it.’

  ‘Has she said that?’ Euan asked.

  ‘No,’ Michael said. ‘She just wanted us to get together again. Maybe she’s testing you. She’s not the type to make up your mind for you, is she?’

  Euan smiled. ‘No, she wouldn’t do that. She’s the perfect woman.’

  ‘What? Out of the three?’ Michael said.

  Euan laughed.

  ‘Enough of this tourist shit,’ Michael said. ‘Let’s go back to your place.’

  Kate came home from work and helped Euan cook a dinner for Michael and Jon. In the kitchen, as they worked, Euan told her of Michael’s suggestion. She did not reply for a long time.

  ‘Well? What do you think?’ he said.